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I'm Sorry


I often find myself saying “I’m sorry” to people. I miss a social cue (forgetting to ask how someone is in return) or just behave awkwardly (blanking on words to say in conversation) and I later realise how uncomfortable that must have been for the other person and I can’t help but apologise. I knock myself on the head and hope that, next time, I’ll do better. I will be the perfect conversationalist. Yeah…that one I’m still working on.

I tend to overthink social situations. I know I’m a kind and genuine person and I want that to shine through so badly that I end up planning conversations in my head, which never go to plan in real life, leaving me having said or done something awkward.

Isn’t that paradoxical, that I want to come across as kind and genuine, and express my true, weird self, but I just end up being more awkward because I put pressure on myself to execute this conversating masterplan?

I always say that I am a better writer than a speaker. And I don’t, by any means, mean that to put myself down and say that I can’t improve myself both ways, but it’s true. I am much better able to get my thoughts across better by being able to think about them and write them out.

I appear a different person writing vs speaking, which can be a good and bad thing. It is a good thing for writing essays and CVs, but not so good when I come across as I truly am online, but more introverted than I intend to be in person.

However, I feel there is a barrier that needs to be broken between me and another person. I tend to want to portray myself as I am when I meet people, and that’s all well and good, but that doesn’t help me to get to know anyone better because I’m so focused on trying to be me when I already am, well, me.

What I’ve noticed in the relationships that I feel I am truly able to be myself in is that the other person has shown me in some way, or told me, that they will not judge me for who I am, and of course you cannot expect this validation from everybody. You don’t need a pat on the head from everyone, as this won’t help you grow. However, it’s nice to know that someone will love you no matter what, especially when you have been judged so harshly in the past.

I also must play my part, in learning not to overthink situations. Not everyone is judging your every move. They (hopefully!) won’t hold you to your imperfections. In fact, most people are afraid to show others their own. It would be great if we could be so open, rather than trying to present a perfected front, and love each other the more for our imperfections but, ironically we try to seem perfect despite our imperfections.

Our attitude must turn from “me” to “we”. We are all imperfect. We are all in this together. Let’s act like it.

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