There were 111,169 divorces in England and Wales in 2014 (Office for National Statistics). The divorces in 2014 were highest among men aged 45 to 49 and women aged 40 to 44. Most are likely made up of white British people due to their making up a higher proportion of the population, but also due to the comparative lack of divorces within BME homes.
African culture frowns heavily upon divorce. Therefore, couples can feel judged for contemplating such a step. Many are raised in African-majority Pentecostal churches where they are taught that marriage is a lifelong commitment.
The pressure on these couples that they cannot fail forces them to either stay in a loveless marriage or defy the culture.
I spoke with Ellah, who is a Christian of Zimbabwean heritage, but was raised in the UK, to receive her thoughts on this issue, coming from a single-parent home herself.
When did your parents get divorced?
“They're still in the process of divorce. They separated roughly when I was in year 8 (aged 12/13).”
Did you understand what this meant at the time?
“I did. I secretly hoped it would happen because I knew their relationship was not a normal or good one. I only hoped for a cleaner split, where my brother and I were their main focus, rather than taking jabs at each other.”
Did you feel different amongst your friends because of your parents’ divorce?
“Yes and no. I saw that my friends had parents who loved each other, so they would talk about how they would do cute things for each other. But I would equally tell them how much my mum loved my brother and I and how we made her feel loved.”
How long have you been attending church? Did divorce arise as a taboo topic for you? Did you or your mum feel judged for this?
“My whole life. It was never actually mentioned to me until about 16, but I believe myself to be observant and intuitive so I knew that it was not favoured practice. I just wish my mum had discussed it with me, you know, like parents would do in movies. Only a few within the Church knew the details of what was happening behind the scenes, although they knew more than I did. But they were practically family, so supported my mum, my brother and I through it all despite the surrounding stigma.”
Divorce is clearly a taboo subject within African culture. Did you feel that this affected you growing up?
“It certainly is, but I wasn't brought up in traditional African fashion. I wasn't surrounded by a lot of Zimbabweans and my family in the UK are on my dad's side, so weren't around. I didn't feel affected much by it because I have always had a very faith-based world view and therefore cultural norms didn't matter to me in comparison to what I believed God said. I have the more westernised view that if a marriage is clearly not working and there is no love, God doesn't want them to stay in that kind of environment, especially not to bring children up in such a hostile environment.”
What have you learnt from living the majority of your life without one parent? How has it made you stronger?
“I have learnt that you can receive enough love from one parent. I've also learnt that humans are strong! With all I know my mother has gone through – all the bills, outgoings, being a nurse, and supporting family back in Zimbabwe – she still managed to provide my brother and I with the opportunities and necessities that we would have received within a traditional nuclear household. The experience made me stronger by showing me that, even as a woman in this society filled with inequality, you can achieve anything you want! You can still choose to be a loving person, even if love has failed you in the past.”
What advice would you give to those going through this complicated experience currently, especially individuals surrounded by African culture?
“Don't let your culture totally define who you are. It's good to remember where you come from, but it should never define you. Also, it's okay to feel your feelings. African culture may tell you to feel a certain way, but it's ok. Emotions are meant to be felt. You can allow your emotions and experiences to help make you stronger. Choose wisely who your friends are, those who will give sound, balanced advice. It's not necessarily your family who will be the most helpful through this experience. Lastly, it's good to speak to someone outside of your culture. I recommend this! They can help you see things differently and potentially have a more objective view. They may also be more compassionate in a helpful, non-intrusive way.”
I feel that we need to change the way we look at divorce as Africans. We almost invalidate the problems that are faced in marriages, immediately quoting the Bible and God's hatred of divorce. We place a lot of pressure on couples to stay together regardless of these problems, rather than truly supporting them and acknowledging their situations. We must do better.
*Answers edited for clarity.
African culture frowns heavily upon divorce. Therefore, couples can feel judged for contemplating such a step. Many are raised in African-majority Pentecostal churches where they are taught that marriage is a lifelong commitment.
The pressure on these couples that they cannot fail forces them to either stay in a loveless marriage or defy the culture.
I spoke with Ellah, who is a Christian of Zimbabwean heritage, but was raised in the UK, to receive her thoughts on this issue, coming from a single-parent home herself.
When did your parents get divorced?
“They're still in the process of divorce. They separated roughly when I was in year 8 (aged 12/13).”
Did you understand what this meant at the time?
“I did. I secretly hoped it would happen because I knew their relationship was not a normal or good one. I only hoped for a cleaner split, where my brother and I were their main focus, rather than taking jabs at each other.”
Did you feel different amongst your friends because of your parents’ divorce?
“Yes and no. I saw that my friends had parents who loved each other, so they would talk about how they would do cute things for each other. But I would equally tell them how much my mum loved my brother and I and how we made her feel loved.”
How long have you been attending church? Did divorce arise as a taboo topic for you? Did you or your mum feel judged for this?
“My whole life. It was never actually mentioned to me until about 16, but I believe myself to be observant and intuitive so I knew that it was not favoured practice. I just wish my mum had discussed it with me, you know, like parents would do in movies. Only a few within the Church knew the details of what was happening behind the scenes, although they knew more than I did. But they were practically family, so supported my mum, my brother and I through it all despite the surrounding stigma.”
Divorce is clearly a taboo subject within African culture. Did you feel that this affected you growing up?
“It certainly is, but I wasn't brought up in traditional African fashion. I wasn't surrounded by a lot of Zimbabweans and my family in the UK are on my dad's side, so weren't around. I didn't feel affected much by it because I have always had a very faith-based world view and therefore cultural norms didn't matter to me in comparison to what I believed God said. I have the more westernised view that if a marriage is clearly not working and there is no love, God doesn't want them to stay in that kind of environment, especially not to bring children up in such a hostile environment.”
What have you learnt from living the majority of your life without one parent? How has it made you stronger?
“I have learnt that you can receive enough love from one parent. I've also learnt that humans are strong! With all I know my mother has gone through – all the bills, outgoings, being a nurse, and supporting family back in Zimbabwe – she still managed to provide my brother and I with the opportunities and necessities that we would have received within a traditional nuclear household. The experience made me stronger by showing me that, even as a woman in this society filled with inequality, you can achieve anything you want! You can still choose to be a loving person, even if love has failed you in the past.”
What advice would you give to those going through this complicated experience currently, especially individuals surrounded by African culture?
“Don't let your culture totally define who you are. It's good to remember where you come from, but it should never define you. Also, it's okay to feel your feelings. African culture may tell you to feel a certain way, but it's ok. Emotions are meant to be felt. You can allow your emotions and experiences to help make you stronger. Choose wisely who your friends are, those who will give sound, balanced advice. It's not necessarily your family who will be the most helpful through this experience. Lastly, it's good to speak to someone outside of your culture. I recommend this! They can help you see things differently and potentially have a more objective view. They may also be more compassionate in a helpful, non-intrusive way.”
I feel that we need to change the way we look at divorce as Africans. We almost invalidate the problems that are faced in marriages, immediately quoting the Bible and God's hatred of divorce. We place a lot of pressure on couples to stay together regardless of these problems, rather than truly supporting them and acknowledging their situations. We must do better.
*Answers edited for clarity.
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