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The Everyday Struggle against your own Mind

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I struggle a lot. Socially. I feel like I’m exerting all this effort to be bubbly, open, likable. No awkward pauses. They’ll think I’m boring. Weird. If I can’t save the conversation from the deep ditch it’s heading towards at full speed. And it just takes so much energy. I can go into a social situation one day and it’s easy. I’m asking questions, bouncing off someone. Laughing. And it’s genuine and fun and enjoyable. Then the next time I encounter, even the same person, I’m awkward. I stutter. Struggle to think of what to say. Stumble on my words. Yet, the pressure is still there to be bubbly and fun or they won’t like me. I guess I’ve been trying to figure out what makes people like you. Because I’ve experienced being disliked – hated even – for no reason, so I can’t give anyone any  kind of reason to hate me. They must like me. I often see other people conversing. It looks so easy, so effortless for them. I end up trying to mimic aspects of their personality that people seem to like. That’ll make them like me. And it’s even more disappointing when that doesn’t work. People assume I’m confident or bold because I wear bold makeup or cool clothes. But I am not my appearance. I’m a person inside. And I struggle. It probably comes across as bitchy or rude sometimes when I’m quiet, so I often feel like I have to overcompensate with kindness in order to show that I’m not a bad person. I feel like I need validation sometimes. I know deep down I’m a good – even great – person, but I somehow expect people to point it out at all times. I don’t like to pander to that self-doubt and attention-seeking aspect of myself. But it becomes harder and harder when your mind seems to be working against you. Telling you that ‘they don’t like you’. ‘They think you’re weird’. ‘They only pretend to be your friend’. ‘They talk about you as soon as they leave you’.
But. I have a God. One who tells me that I am loved. That I am his friend. Psalm 8:4 says ‘Who am I that you are mindful of me?’ God thinks I’m so much more than I realise. He created me after all. He tells me that I am loved (Romans 5:8); blessed; special; gifted; wonderful; beautiful; created in his own image. The ideas in my mind trying to overtake this are false. They are lies. God’s truth is far greater than lies. His whole being is built on truth and goodness. I come from Him. Therefore, I am good. I am great. I am worthy of people’s appreciation, admiration, and love although I don’t need it to feel validated.

And I’m not saying that this is something I remember at all times. I am very self-critical and place a lot of responsibility on myself to be perfect. But I know I’m not. I could never be. I mess up all the time; in smaller and bigger ways. But God accepts my imperfection and measures me grace, which He gives me regardless of these imperfections. On top of this, at the end of the day I know that none of us are perfect conversationalists, socialisers (if that's even a word), people. And that is what is so beautiful about US. We can be imperfect together and love each other for it. In fact, I am drawn more to people who acknowledge their imperfections and are proud of them, though they don’t go about trying to emphasise them (obviously lol).

Yeah. I want you to know that.When you feel like no one loves or accepts you. When your mind tries to take over. I love you and appreciate you and your imperfections (‘warts and all’ and all that). But, more importantly, there is a God that sees you and loves you, despite you and regardless of whether you believe or acknowledge that.

(Also, if you're in the midst of exam season right now, I feel your pain. God's got us for real. He kinda has to. Please, Jesus take the wheel. Thanks).

Love,

Moyo x

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