Dear Bully

Source: https://wifflegif.com/gifs/286589-three-little-birds-people-get-ready-gif

Ok, it's not a letter. Sorry.

As a child, well into my teenage years, I endured different forms of bullying; from being made fun of for my name or hairstyle (which was mere childish ignorance), to a deeper, more damaging form, as well as many other instances in between.

I was bullied by one person in particular, from when I was around 9 until I was around 14 and decided I had to find a way out of the situation before it caused any more damage. However, despite moving away from that situation, and finding myself friends that treated me like so - that didn't care about how I looked or what I said, or try to turn everything I did or said into something I should be ashamed of - it was clear (and still is, in some ways) that the damage had already been done.

For this to make more sense, I'll have to fill you in on what this bullying entailed. In other words, to tell my story, which I don't think I have been able to do in its entirety since it happened to me.

So, it began in good old year 5 (a great year otherwise, I might add) when a new girl moved to my primary school. I had actually been excited that she had arrived because she was another black girl and those were rare at my school (there were only two of us before her), so I was ready for her to join the alliance. However, she happened to be in a different class to me, so I wasn't able to hang out with her so quickly, and I never really got the opportunity in the playground as it appeared she had already found her group of friends (which was no big deal to me as I had my own).

Things were going swimmingly, and our worlds barely even touched, until they collided one day, which is a little fuzzy in my memory. She had said something to me, or tried to make fun of me and me, being the feisty young child I was, immediately retaliated and called her 'self-satisfied' (don't ask how/if I knew what that meant because I don't know), which sent her off in a flurry of tears (I wish my words still had such power over people) in a complaint to a teacher that I had hurt her feelings. I was then, despite my ardent attempt to defend myself, forced to apologise to her.

This was a pleasant start to our relationship. I didn't clash with her again during our remaining primary school years, apart from one time where she had again attempted to insult me and she was the one who was forced to apologise this time (HA).

We then move on to secondary school. Our devastating, unrivalled, feud aside, I had had a good primary school experience and was looking quite forward to beginning secondary school.

I went in all guns blazing, taking with me friends from primary school, as well as making new friends. I became close to one girl, in particular, whom I still appreciate to this day, and life was good.

However, everything changed over one lunchtime.

My new best friend had spent lunchtime with a friend of hers she had known from her primary school. They both happened to be in my class, so this was the next time I encountered them. They walked in smiling and laughing, and I was excited to make a new friend. Except, walking and laughing with them, was my sworn enemy. At this point, like I said, we'd had a few clashes, but I had no feelings of hatred towards her. I simply knew that we would not be friends.

It was immediately clear from her demeanour when she saw me that the feeling was mutual, in that she knew we wouldn't be friends; not the hatred part.

From this day forward, she seemed to make it her personal mission to make my secondary school experience awful. At the point that her friendship with my friend had occurred, it was already a few weeks into the term where everyone had found their cliques and were not ready to budge. The only flexibility remained in the upper rankings of the school year: the popular kids, of which I most definitely was not a member. Therefore, I felt stuck, because I liked two of the girls in the group, always being quite close with the girl I had first made friends with, but there was this bully looming over me whenever I was with them, making her inescapable to my 11-year-old mind.

Over the five years of my secondary school experience, she would make every effort to make sure everybody in the friendship group (which grew and changed over the years) pointed to me as the laughing stock. She would point out if I was doing something weird, or find fault in things I would say, yet generally ignore my presence, and try to encourage everyone to eat their lunch quick enough so that they could run out and leave me alone in the dining hall. If she brought things into school to share with her friends, she would pointedly leave me out, and she would gather people to talk about me 'behind my back' within earshot of me, so that I could hear her telling everyone how much she didn't like me. (Short disclaimer that some friends tried to stick up for me, and were kind to me despite what she was doing, as well as trying to ignore her cold remarks, but she would deny her behaviour every time she was called out, and it would sometimes make her coldness towards me worsen).

From years 7 to 10, I endured this situation, and saw people come and go from the group. She would treat newcomers awfully, and this gave me the opportunity to be an even better friend to them as I had experienced what it was like to suffer in that environment. I think that when she saw me doing this, she would become kinder to the new person, until they became great friends and suddenly I had one less person in my corner.

I dreaded going to school every single day. I cannot remember a time I enjoyed a day at school, other than when she wasn't there (it didn't help that I rarely ever had sick days, nor the acting chops to at least pretend I was sick).

This lasted until one day, in year 10, when she threw a comment down the lunch table at me, saying 'Moyo, why don't you go and find some friends of your own since you don't really talk to us?'

And, in the past, I had been afraid of doing this, as I felt as though I would have been completely alone, which somehow seemed worse than the situation I was in (I seriously need to have some words with my teenage self). But at this time, I had newly made some friends. Some who were new to school and had joined our friendship group for a brief moment, before realising how authoritarian it was, and they seemed kind enough (amidst the sea of unkind/deceiving faces within my fabulous year group) to 'take me in'.

I put the question to them as it was, that I needed a new friendship group and was escaping my old situation, and with clear understanding and compassion, they immediately took me in. They were the first people within my whole school experience to show me what true, unconditional love was through friendship and I will be forever grateful to them.

I do continue to struggle, til this day, with feelings of general inadequacy, making it difficult to make friends at times as well as the whole situation making it difficult for me to trust in friendships the way I once did (I know. Dramatic much). But (very) slowly and surely, with God and some incredible people by my side, I am pushing past these feelings and learning that I can and should be myself, and that anyone who would make the mistake of not accepting me is not worth my effort anyway (I can't come and kill myself for friendship, right?)

Anyways, I'm not really sure what the aim of this post was/is, but it was nice to finally get this all out, and I hope that it goes to help at least one person and show that you are good enough and you are incredible just the way you are, and if others don't see that, they are at a great loss.

I remember watching so many videos (YouTube was, and sadly still is, my life) and reading so many stories where successful would tell of how they went through bullying as a child, and are now successful and how that goes to show that it gets better. And I never believed it one bit. I always thought they could never have been hurt quite the way I was if they really thought that this could get better. But I assure you (although I'm not super successful, rich or famous yet *wink wink*) that, with time, patience, and surrounding yourself with people that truly love and care for you, people that inspire you to be who God created you to be, things will get better, whether or not you have the energy right now to believe it.

My favourite verse throughout that time, and remains so for any difficult time in my life, was Isaiah 41:10, which says 'So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand'.

Whether you believe it or not, someone loves you and wants you to be on this earth, and you deserve to be here, no matter what anybody tries to tell you.

This post is getting very long (and will remain very unedited, so try to ignore any mistakes pls), so I'll leave it there. Props to you if you read this far (you get a cookie), and I really hope that sharing this small part of my story resonates with you, encourages you and blesses you in unimaginable ways. x