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I Can't Come and Kill Myself

Source: https://memegenerator.net/instance/76135101/

Something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember is self-confidence.

It is a topic on which there are many books, long and short courses, quotes and steps to help you improve. And when you tell people you don't feel confident about a certain thing, they often tell you not to worry about it, or just to 'believe in yourself', which has always been of great assistance, of course *cries internally*.

Despite all the help available, I have still struggled to believe in myself and my talents at the best of times. Sometimes I've felt like I need constant validation (which, of course, is not healthy and doesn't help with building self-confidence ironically - like some sort of sick joke), but this has never been of much help, because after one dosage of validation wears off, I'm left feeling the same way.

Now, I decided at one point that I need a remedy to this. I just need to take control and achieve self-confidence. I did some searching, looking deep into myself to find the root of this issue, which goes far back for me.

Now that I had established the root cause, I needed to concoct some sort of crazy, complicated, 10-step method to regaining my self-confidence.

But, honestly, at the end of the day, I just decided to remember that I'm Nigerian, and one thing Nigerians typically don't have the time nor the room for is allowing other peoples' opinions to take a toll on the way they live their lives. In other words, I can't come and kill myself.

Honestly, this will be difficult to remember at times, but it boils down to the fact that I cannot live for other peoples' acceptance. I've tried it and it is, quite frankly, exhausting.

There are plenty instances I can remember where I've put on a persona or tried too hard simply because I couldn't accept the chance that I wouldn't be liked. I'd heard so many times that 'not everyone will like you', and, in all honesty, this grinded on my soul. I think I could accept the fact that we can't all click with each other and there'll be people you are more compatible with than others, but that there would be some people that don't like me?! Impossible.

I've now come to accept this because, at the end of the day, I am who I am. I have character traits - good and bad - that will attract or repel different people for different reasons. First of all, I have to accept that. Second of all, I have to realise it doesn't make me a bad person (because we're all human, right?). And lastly, I have to know and remember who I am - who I know myself to be - and realise that if somebody is so bothered by certain traits of mine that it causes them to actively dislike me? Well, that's on them and not me.

I've had to realise and affirm what I now know, that I am enough. My talents are enough. There's always room for improvement, of course, but it all boils down to this simple fact.

This has not been an easy journey in the slightest, and it's one that is still going as I do things (like sharing on this blog) that make my heart leap with fear. But, at the end of the day, I don't want to look at myself, in hindsight, and say that I allowed other people's opinions - most of whom don't actually know me - to stop me from achieving my dreams and purpose in this life.

And you shouldn't too.

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